Harry Potter And The Dualogues Of Doom
by Chad-Pendragon
Summary: Thirst Is Nothing, Image Is Nothing. Ignore Your Glands, Drink Turpentine *chapter 3 now up* Written By Pendragon
1. Hot Pink And Practical Jokes

P.G Woodhouse does Harry Potter - Chapter One - Hot Pink And Practical Jokes  
  
Disclaimer: None of this is mine, apart perhaps from the plot line. Jeeves and Wooster belong to P.G Woodhouse(if you've ever read Woodhouse, you'll know why J&W are mentioned in this disclaimer) Harry and Dobby belong to J.K. Rowling  
  
  
  
I was fiddling with my dress robes when I paused to yell-  
  
'DOBBY!' was what fairly exploded from my mouth  
  
Dobby appeared from nowhere with his customary ease and replied sibilantly 'Yes, sir?'  
  
'Don't you ''Yes, sir'' me Dobby. Something's wrong with my dress robes. Can you tell me what that is?'  
  
'Yes, sir'  
  
'Would you care to enlighten me to what is wrong with my dress robes, Dobby? This banquet with the Minister is amazingly important, I can't afford slip ups. Anyway, miss Chang will be there...' I trailed off, thinking of Cho. I'd had an attraction to Cho since my third year at Hogwarts, and nothing had changed since my leaving there, but I still hadn't professed my undying love for her, despite many attempts.  
  
'Miss Chang, sir?'  
  
'Yes'  
  
Dobby seemed to sigh  
  
'Dobby?'  
  
'Yes, sir?'  
  
'What's up, old chap?'  
  
'Sir?'  
  
My voice became coloured with a tinge of annoyance 'Your doing it again, Dobby'  
  
'What, sir?'  
  
'That'  
  
'What, sir?'  
  
'the innocent way you say "Sir"'  
  
'Sir?'  
  
'Oh don't worry. I love you like a brother, and that's rather what you are, my brother' I stated in a reflective manner  
  
'Sir seems to have hit the mark ' Was Dobby's reply  
  
'You've distracted me from what I was saying, Dobby'  
  
'Yes, sir. I merely felt that you needed some guidance-'  
  
'In what, exactly, Dobby?'  
  
'Nothing, sir'  
  
I fairly ejaculated 'Dobby!' at him  
  
'Sir?'  
  
'That's the second time you've distracted me in fifteen minutes'  
  
'My humble apologies, sir'  
  
'That's all well and good Dobby -' i softened slightly to him, after all, he had acknowledged my superior opinion '- but the point of the matter is, and this is something you shouldn't dismiss as unimportant, what is wrong with my dress robes?'  
  
All almost imperceptible trace of amusement entered his voice as he answered. 'They appear to be pink, sir'  
  
'That's right'  
  
'Yes, sir'  
  
'would you care to shed some light on the matter?'  
  
'The particular colour could be described as' he gave a small cough 'hot, shocking pink, sir'  
  
'I damn well know that'  
  
'Ah'  
  
'Would you happen to know how my dress robes became hot, shocking pink? I distinctly remember this particular set of dress robes being green'  
  
'Yes, sir'  
  
'Care to explain?'  
  
'I believe masters Frederick and George Weasley are responsible'  
  
'Really? Why didn't you say that in the first place?'  
  
'Sir did not ask'  
  
I sighed 'You take things too literally Dobby. I must say we should think of a suitable revenge upon the Weasley twins. I trust you can think of something suitable?'  
  
'Yes, sir'  
  
'I leave it in your capable hands'  
  
'Yes, sir'  
  
'Well, I must be going. The banquet starts at seven.'  
  
'Will sir need the car?'  
  
'No, I shall be Apperating' I paused halfway through the door, trying to remember something important. Then it came to me 'Dobby?'  
  
'Yes, sir?'  
  
'Can you change my robes back to green please?'  
  
'Yes, sir' Dobby clicked his fingers, I felt a soft buzzing in my big toe, and my robes were returned to their normal green.  
  
I gave a small sigh of relief, and Apperated out of sight.  
  
Dobby waited a few seconds, then went and put the green dress robes back in my wardrobe  
  
~End of Chapter One~  
  
This is a trailer chapter ... I'm experimenting with this idea, so please review 


	2. Harrys Big Mistake

Chapter Two - Harry's Big Mistake  
  
P.G Woodhouse does Harry Potter - Chapter Two - Harry's Big Mistake  
  
Disclaimer: None of this is mine, apart perhaps from the plot line. Jeeves and Wooster belong to P.G Woodhouse(if you've ever read Woodhouse, you'll know why J&W are mentioned in this disclaimer) Harry and Dobby belong to J.K. Rowling. Allanah is mine  
  
I was feeling not what you would call tip-top form the morning after, and so it was with great surprise that I received my God-Mother in my bedroom at the God awful hour of 6:50 am. Quite what my God-Mother was doing in my bedroom at 6:50 in the morning was lost to me, and quite rightly so. I feel, at this time, that it is important for me to shed some light, as it were, on the matter of my God-Mother. Let me assure you, My God-Mother is not someone you would like to owe money to. Its quite possible that she eats the young of Dragons, and this is why they are dying out. Truth be told, my God-Mother scares the willies out of me, and why Sirius married the Medusa is quite beyond me, but there is love in that relationship somewhere, and I content myself with the bachelors life, while avoiding my Go-Mother Allanah like the plague.  
  
So, it was with the utmost shock when I awoke to find my God-Mother standing over my bed with a look of utmost disgust on her face  
  
'Do you have any idea what time it is?' she asked, while her lips formed a small white line.  
  
'No, God-Mother' was my meek and terrified reply  
  
'Its 2 o'clock in the afternoon, boy'  
  
My eyes flicked over to the clock on my wall. It said 6:50 am. 'Allanah? Your quite wrong you know, its 6:50 am. Why did you wake me up at that horrible time?'  
  
'Sometimes I wish you'd never been born' Was all she said in return  
  
So did I. 'Really?'  
  
'Yes. It's 2 pm you stupid fool. Your clock has stopped'  
  
I registered surprise, I thought I had been quite circumspect in my look at the clock 'Is it? Oh'  
  
'Yes'  
  
'Why exactly, have you come to visit me?'  
  
'I need a favour of you, young Harry'  
  
I started at the use of my name. She must really need a favour if she was being polite 'Anything I can do for you, Allanah?'  
  
'Yes there is'  
  
'Really?'  
  
'Yes'  
  
'Oh'  
  
'What I want you to do is keep the Minister busy for a couple of weeks'  
  
'A couple of weeks?' was all I could splutter.  
  
'Stop spitting, its a nasty habit'  
  
'But a couple of weeks? Strictly impossible'  
  
'Oh no it isn't my boy'  
  
Ah, out with the polite, in with the mad spitting Cobra. 'All right, how do I keep the Minister busy for two weeks?'  
  
'With your amazing wit and good humour, fool'  
  
Cobra, Cobra, Cobra  
  
'Seriously, how on Earth do I do that? Keep him occupied I mean'  
  
'I don't know, think of something'  
  
I sighed. Brazil was looking appealing. But refusing would do me no good, I'd only get a hex in the eye 'All right. Care to explain why my distracting the Minister for a whole two weeks?'  
  
'Its very simple'  
  
'It is?'  
  
'Yes'  
  
'Really'  
  
'Enough of your idly chit-chat boy'  
  
'all right'  
  
'Now, is everything clear?'  
  
'No'  
  
'What's wrong now, you fool?'  
  
'You didn't tell me why you're here'  
  
'Easy, I need a favour Harry'  
  
'You covered that'  
  
'I know, quick aren't you?'  
  
'har, yes'  
  
'what was that? Are you choking boy?'  
  
'No, that was a derisive laugh'  
  
'Really? How interesting'  
  
'Yes'  
  
'Anyway boy, I have to go, important things to do you know' With that, she swept from the room  
  
I paused, in shock as my God-Mother swept out in a swirl of black  
  
'Dobby?' came my stuttering entreaty  
  
Dobby appeared from nowhere, giving me a start 'Yes, sir?'  
  
'I need a pick me up'  
  
'Sir?'  
  
'Thats right, double butterbeer on the rocks my good man'  
  
'At once, sir'  
  
'Theres a good chap' When Dobby re-appeared with said pick-me-up i gulped it loudly. My eyes flashed and i was re-awakened.  
  
~End of Chapter Two~  
  
  
  
A/N: Dedicated to my good friend and beta-reader, Kimmy a.k.a the Medusa 


	3. Buzzard Hits The Billabong

Chapter Three - Buzzard hits the Billabong  
  
And so it was with some foreboding that I looked forward to breakfast, fortunately, Dobby came trumps yet again with the preparation of the morning meal.  
  
True to my earlier words, Dobby presented a meal that would have changed the mind of Scott before he made his way to the North Pole. But it wasn't the delights held on the silver platter that he brought into my bedroom, but rather his haircut that caught my attention.  
  
So now I had two things to worry about; God-Mother Allanah and her devious - but twisted - plans with the Minister, and Dobby. And that thing on his head. How could I break the news slowly to my esteemed manservant that it looked like he had slicked a freshly flattened skunk to his head? The direct way, of course.  
  
I chewed reflectively on a sausage for a second 'Dobby? These sausages'  
  
He stood like a statue by the door 'Sir?'  
  
'Yes'  
  
again he used the time honoured 'Sir?'  
  
'Made from contented pigs no doubt'  
  
'Yes, sir'  
  
'Do you know what would go down well with these contented sausages?'  
  
'No, sir. Perhaps sir could enlighten me?'  
  
My time with Dobby had not been misspent. I knew what enlighten meant, and I was proud. 'Orange juice. Fresh orange juice'  
  
'Yes, sir'  
  
'And perhaps you could get one for that thing on your head, also'  
  
A pained look came over his face as the trademark "Sir?" made another appearance  
  
'Yes' was my reply. I had decided while chewing an earlier sausage that I had to get this over with quickly, before anyone saw It. 'It looks like you've slicked a freshly flattened skunk onto your head'  
  
There was no mistake this time, a definite tinge appeared to his cheeks 'Really, sir?'  
  
'Yes. I trust you will remedy the situation? Soon? Before anyone sees It?' I was again proud that I could pronounce things with a Capital.  
  
'Would sir allow me to ask something informal?'  
  
'Of course Dobby, you should be able to do that all the time'  
  
'Well sir, does it really look like a "freshly flattened skunk" as you call it? Sir' he hastily added the Sir, looking uncomfortable at the informality.  
  
'Yes. Without a shadow of a doubt'  
  
'I was assured it is the latest style, sir'  
  
'Dobby, just because something is the latest style, doesn't mean you can walk around with it on your head'  
  
'Yes, sir'  
  
'Please get rid of it Dobby'  
  
'Yes, sir' Dobby snapped his fingers and his hair returned to its normal self  
  
'On to more pressing business Dobby'  
  
'Yes, sir?'  
  
'That's right. Do you know who was just here?'  
  
'I do, sir'  
  
'Really? How?'  
  
'Because I had the pleasure of letting her in'  
  
'Ah.'  
  
'Sir'  
  
'Do you know what amazes me about you Dobby?'  
  
'What's that, sir?'  
  
'Your ability to make "sir" seem innocent'  
  
'Sir'  
  
'See? You just did it'  
  
'Sir?'  
  
'Stop it'  
  
'Yes, sir'  
  
'Where was I?'  
  
'You mentioned pressing business, sir'  
  
'Ah. Yes. My God-Mother'  
  
'Yes, Sir?'  
  
'Did you know why she was here this morning?'  
  
'No sir, I am not privileged enough to be privy to that, sir'  
  
'She wanted me to keep the Minister busy for two weeks'  
  
Surprise registered in his eyes, I was getting quite proficient at reading Dobby 'Sir?'  
  
'I know, quite impossible'  
  
'I understand, sir'  
  
'but the strange thing is ...' I trailed off and tried to remember what was strange  
  
'Sir?' prompted Dobby  
  
'She wouldn't tell me why I had to keep the Minister busy for two whole weeks.'  
  
'The reason escapes me, sir'  
  
'Keep your ear to the grindstone on this one Dobby' Was what I said thoughtfully.  
  
~End of Chapter~  
  
  
  
A/N: This chapter was mostly fluff, but will become more important as the story progresses. Dedicated to Nick Hanning, who without a terrible haircut the Death Toupee would never have been born 


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